Have I been "played" for a fool?
I want to begin this post by admitting that I am extremely burnt out and tired. I have been through an exhausting year (two years, actually) and am totally counting down the instructional days left (20, if you want to know). I am feeling really exhausted, and it has been a struggle to go to work everyday.
An update: Since I last posted, I felt compelled to press charges (a heart-wrenching decision, I might add) against a student who sexually harassed me, and borderline assaulted me. I did not feel confident that the school would protect me by officially suspending the student, based on past experience: A few months ago, a different student threatened me. I was told I should press charges, but didn't, and consequently, it took over a month for the principal to act -- and then, after significant pressure, she only suspended him for one day -- unofficially (this means, off the record. In other words, the principal told the student they were suspended, but never put it through the official system. I know this because the UFT looked into it for me).
This time, I was not going to risk it. I don't want to get into specifics for privacy reasons, but I did press charges, and the student who sexually assaulted me was suspended for 5 days (In my opinion, the minimum, according to the DOE discipline code). His parents now accuse me of being racist. White girl teacher in the South Bronx... I know they are just reaching for anything to excuse this boys' blantantly wrong behavior (he had been arrested several times just in the last year), but I'm still really annoyed. I went into teaching to fight racism, and to be accused of it is a total slap in the face!
Anyway... I was already discouraged and burnt out from this school, with the constant chaos and totally inept leadership, the seeming tolerance for bullsh*t and the supposed "checks and balances" of the School Quality Review (this is what is supposed to "rate" the Empowerment Schools, but ours was a waste of time since they found our school to be "proficient" based on a couple of staged interviews with parents and a carefully orchestrated half-day of classroom observations)... Now I'm totally checked out. I did not sign up to be abused and ignored, and then called a "racist" by those I'm supposed to be "helping", especially when my heart was totally in the right place. Is it too much to ask for basic human decency? And I'm not talking about the kid who sexually harassed me -- I'm talking about my administrator who totally ignored it, refused to meet with me that day (she was in the same interview for 2 hours), and then had the audacity to be upset when I pressed charges... the same administrator who, and as it turns out, has covered up a long list of discipline issues, leading up to the abhorrent situation my school now finds itself in, with students on the brink of revolt, and faculty calling every other day out of exhaustion (with of course, no substitutes... that would be too expensive).
Maybe I am naive... to think that I can single-handedly "save" kids through reading books... to think that I can counteract the systemic racism that these kids face... to think that the kids even slightly understand why I show up every day, when they seemingly assume that I'm just like every other adult they've ever known who quit on them...
And, realistically, I might. I have been dreaming about going back to academia, back to the bubble of idealism where I thrived, back to the theoretical world of ideals where my opinion mattered, and where I *maybe* could make a difference -- maybe not for these kids, but for someone. Where, at the very least, I could feel a sense of accomplishment for a job well done. This is more than I can say for mediocre-at-best teaching that I currently do, where bureaucracy and politics seem to take precedence, where the people who supposedly are there to "support" me only ever seem to impede my teaching, where there are constant hurdles on a daily basis which prevent me from doing a job I know I could do well, except for the incompetence of a relative few at the top.
Ok, end rant. I guess I'm just trying to express my severe dissatisfaction with teaching. I know I am in the population of teachers who, because of high idealism and high level of education, leave urban teaching the fastest. I guess I just never saw myself as a quitter. But in the words of my students, I certainly do not want to get "played". That's exactly how I feel. I've been "played" by a system that doesn't care a bit about me, that just wants to suck me in and spit me back out just as fast as I came.
Am I more of a "sucker" if I stay? Or if I go?
I really don't know anymore.
Labels: Discipline, South Bronx, Teacher Attrition
posted by syntactic gymnastics @ 10.5.07
3 Comments:
This system takes the incredible energy of many new teachers and burns them out. And in many cases, it does even worse, as I am sorry you learned directly. And your school sounds particularly bad. I hate the Department of Education for abusing our newest and most vulnerable.
No one would blame you if you decided to choose another career path.
But your comments indicate a dedication and passion that might serve you well in a different school.
Best of luck.
You are not alone in your discouragement nor in your indecision. Even though I teach on the other side of the ocean, I identified completely with your post and your feelings. I am going through the same process and I know how disheartening it is to feel that you aren't making the difference you wanted to make.
I have no wisdom to offer other than to consider not only your aspirations but all the different ways there are to make a difference.
I wish you good luck.
Jonathan, thank you, once again, for your support!
I do love the actual teaching part, and I think under different circumstances, I wouldn't be thinking about a career change. But I feel so burned out right now, I need a break to reevaluate. Of course I knew that by teaching in the inner city, I would be dealing with some behavioral issues and some unmotivated kids, and some of that I CAN deal with pretty well. But as much as I want to empower under-served kids through English and as much as I care about them, I feel ill-equipped and quite frankly, ultimately uninterested, in helping *this many* seriously emotionally disturbed kids, and kids who just don't want to be in school, period.
I did not become a social worker, after all. I want to teach English, not spend most of my time counseling students, managing behavior issues, and calling parents. It's hard to say how much the environment of the school and the decisions of inept administrators exacerbate these issues (I'm sure it does a lot - I am certainly not blaming the kids necessarily).
But no matter what the cause of the problem, this is just not the right environment for me. How long can I stay in a job that makes me miserable, you know?
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